Stop, Stop! He’s already dead!

Just wow.

After watching another hugely disappointing Arsenal performance this weekend, that is the only way I can think to start off writing this article this morning – I genuinely didn’t think it could get any worse.

But when West Brom scored their third goal on Saturday, this really strange thing happened to me – I had a real moment of clarity. For some reason, I immediately thought of a specific moment in a Simpson’s episode. Now, I know, that may sound really weird, but just let me explain myself a little bit before you all jump to conclusions thinking that I am totally bananas.

So in this Simpsons episode that sprang to my mind Homer acts as a body double for Krusty the Clown in a PR stunt, in order to help his fast food chain ‘Krusty Burger’ promote their new menu. The skit is supposed to go as follows; Homer is to parachute into the car park in front of the restaurant in Springfield, and then do a whole press conference dressed like Krusty the Clown himself.

Now, outside the fast food chain anticipation is bubbling away, a crowd begins to gather made up of; children, fans, journalists, and a host of other local media outlets. They’re all eagerly waiting in suspense for Krusty the Clown to make his entrance so the unveiling of this new burger can begin.

But obviously the entrance to the show goes horribly wrong. Homer’s parachute fails to open so he comes falling out of the sky, and he crashes through these giant, fake, prop Krusty burgers (which is obviously hilarious). And after surviving the initial impact of the fall, he then proceeds to completely butcher this whole PR campaign in front of this huge crowd, whilst a Krusty Burger big wig just looks on in horror knowing he can’t do anything to stop it.

Then all of a sudden a child from the crowd points out and says ‘Look! It’s the Krusty Burglar!’ A character called the ‘Krusty Burglar’ then appears in this pantomime-esque fashion, as if he is going to steal all of the Krusty Burgers on display. Homer then screams and says ‘Oh my god! He’s stealing all the burgers! Why! You! Little! Aaaargh!!’ Then he tackles the Krusty Burglar to the floor, and proceeds to start beating him to a pulp with both fists whilst the onlookers all just stand there gasping in shock.

The big wig from the Krusty Burger corporation tries in vein to get him to stop by saying ‘It’s just part of the act, stop!’ But Homer totally ignores him and carries on slamming the Krusty Burglars head into the concrete pavement. As this melee of violence continues, the camera just slowly pans out and you see a group of children standing there in total shock just watching with their mouths wide open, and one of them says whilst sobbing ‘Stop! Stop! He’s already dead!’

That scene was all going on in the forefront of my mind as I sat there in silence watching Craig Dawson wheeling away in celebration after thumping home his second goal of the afternoon. And that’s when it hit me. The moment of clarity; Arsenal are the Krusty Burglar; Homer Simpson is Arsene Wenger; the shocked group of children, they’re football fans across the globe; and the Krusty Burger big wig, is Ivan Gazidiz

In the end of that scene, Homer is eventually dragged away, not by the Krusty Burger big wig (Ivan Gazdis), but instead by two Krusty Burger employees. Then in the final shot you just see the beaten corpse of the Krusty Burglar laying in the car park, motionless, clearly severely injured.

After the whole thing happened, it left me feeling genuinely concerned, why? Because somewhere in that strange symbolic metaphor that my mind had conjured up, clearly in an attempt to douse humour all over the very real situation that, we, the Arsenal fans currently find ourselves in. Where are our ‘Krusty Burger’ employees to drag (Arsene Wenger) ‘Homer Simpson,’ off of the already beaten (Arsenal Football Club) ‘Krusty Burglar’?

Who is going to bring this horror show to an end? Who are these metaphorical Krusty Burger employees? Are they us, the Arsenal fans? Are we the ‘Krusty Burger’ employees? Is it genuinely down to us to drag Arsene Wenger away from Arsenal Football Club? Or will the Krusty Burger big wig (Ivan Gazidis) step in and actually do something?

For me personally, I hope for Arsene’s sake, and the club’s sake, there are going to be some Krusty Burger employees that show themselves soon, and drag him away before Arsenal Football Club is beaten beyond repair.



Graeme Hawkins

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